Feelings

“I had an ex who once told me he wasn’t responsible for my feelings. Can you believe that?!?”

Um. Yes?

I was sitting in the salon chair getting my hair cut. I adore the woman who cuts my hair. She’s a genius and every haircut is perfection. I’ve never felt better about my hair and I feel like a million bucks because of what she does with it. 

So, naturally, I was hesitant to respond. I mean, she had scissors in her hand! And, I didn’t think she’d like my answer: 

No one but you is responsible for your feelings.

To be clear, someone you are in relationship with should care about your feelings, should respect your feelings, should respond to your feelings. For sure. But only you are responsible for them.

Here’s how “responsibility” is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary:

noun

• the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.
• the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.
• the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions without authorization.
  

It’s understandable why handing over responsibility is tempting - being accountable for my feelings means there’s nowhere to hide. Frankly, responsibility is exhausting and sometimes I’d love to have someone else take over for a bit. 

But, there’s a freedom in it as well. I get to identify what my feeling are - and what’s underneath them. Sometimes the answer is uncomfortable but the clarity helps me articulate - and then get - what I need.

What decision making process or boundaries do I want to implement - what actions do I get to take - in order to have more of these feelings (such as joy) or have less of them (such as stress) in my life? 

Why would I hand over the responsibility of that to someone else? 

PS. Here's an excerpt from a great article in the NYT by Catherine Pearson discussing "I" Statements as a way to take responsibility for your feelings and articulate what you need.

What an I statement is (and isn’t)

The basic recipe for an “I statement” is: I feel X when Y happens, explained Tracy Dalgleish, a psychologist based in Ottawa who works with couples.

But if you are simply tacking the phrase “I feel like” onto a criticism or observation about your partner’s behavior (for example, “I feel like you are being a jerk when you leave dishes in the sink”), that is not a true “I statement,” she said.

“I always remind people that when we make statements like, ‘I feel like you never,’ or ‘I feel like you’re not listening,’ those aren’t feelings,” Dr. Dalgleish said. Check whether you are using the phrase as a preamble to a perception or assumption, rather than an actual emotion.

Likewise, Dr. Dalgleish often encourages couples to close out an “I statement” with what they need. For example, “I feel alone when you’re on your phone,” she said. “And something I’ve been thinking about is: I really need your undivided attention while we’re eating dinner.”

If nothing else, “I statements” help you focus on what is within your control, Dr. Dalgleish often reminds her clients. “We have power and choice and agency over how we choose to communicate,” she said. “We don’t get to control how somebody responds.”