Gluten Free, Dairy Free

My husband and I threw an impromptu party recently for people we’ve known a long time but don’t get to see very often. We raised our kids together and, though we moved out of the area over ten years ago, we’re still close. 

Wanting to spend our time and energy really connecting with our friends during the party, we decided we’d ask people to pitch in and share the load of gathering.

That’s not my norm. Typically, I like to do all the work so guests can just relax. I also have celiac and a dairy allergy. I won’t die from either but it is a literal shit show if I eat wheat, barley, rye or milk products. Taking control of the food ensures my health and safety. But all of that work felt overwhelming for this last minute casual gathering with friends.

So, in the invitation, I said there would be some food and drink provided and if people wanted to contribute, please bring gluten free, dairy free items. I didn’t explain it or excuse it - just said it plainly.

Now, this may come as a surprise, but asking people to accommodate me is super hard. I’m strong and confident about using my voice for a lot of things (particularly on behalf of others), but asking people to go out of their way for me is not one of those things. Especially around my diet. I hate it - I feel embarrassed and difficult. 

But, given some recent health developments, it’s become clear I have to be more vigilant in tending to my autoimmune disease. So I’m practicing despite my deep discomfort. Keeping my spaces gluten free is part of that practice.

And then I panicked two days before the party. I felt so stupid. Why had I asked everyone else to make food I could eat? That no one but me needed? Who would go through such a rigamarole if they didn’t need to? Why hadn’t I done what I always do and just taken care of everything myself and not asked people to pitch in at all?

I went into a tailspin. I didn’t want to rely on other people going through the enormous trouble of finding gluten free, dairy free food - it’s hard enough for me to do that. I had prepped plenty of food I knew I'd be able to eat, so I went out and bought tons of other options filled with gluten and dairy.

The day of the party, friends began arriving. In they walked - cheerful, enthusiastic, their arms loaded with delicious gluten free, dairy free dishes. Spring rolls with gluten free noodles and gluten free soy sauce; delicious homemade pastrami - no gluten or dairy; corn salad; watermelon; gluten and dairy free brownies; gluten free cupcakes - on and on it went. One friend even brought non-alcoholic wine because he remembered I’m sober. 

I was totally floored.

Not only was the table groaning with food, but our friends were happy, invested in the party, and excited to share stories of their gluten free, dairy free explorations.

When I expressed my surprise, a friend laughed at me. “You cared about us by providing the space and all this gluten-y food and we got to show you we care about you by bringing things you can eat. It’s a gift on both sides.” 

It never occurred to me that proactively asking for what I needed would be taken as a gift. Here I had been expecting my request to be annoying. For our friends to be annoyed by me. But no one complained, everyone was present, and it turned into one of the best parties we’ve had.